SA 2010

Today, I uploaded pics from San Antonio World Convention 2010 to facebook. San Antonio was awesome and inspired me in so many ways.

On my third day in a treatment center, I met my assigned counselor. She said to me (I think): Kim, you need to talk, people will need to hear what you have to say. I did not understand at all, so I looked at her with my famous deer in the headlights look, and stayed silent. I was so blank, so tired, so far down that I just could not talk.

During the meetings at World, I started to understand. We need to share our stories with each other. I need to get out and meet more of us and listen and share: what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now. How to 'get out' is the biggest question mark, but I am inspired to share my story with those who need to hear it.

pink, my ferret

Divorce sucks. I never felt so alone. I got a theripist and a little furnished studio apartment in town, which I hated since the first day I woke up there alone. I drank. I went to the bar and drank. I came home and drank and popped xanax and got stoned.

My therapist suggested a pet....a little something to love and be 'responsible and sober' for: to feed and play with and snuggle and love. I watched the revenge divorce movie 'Along Came Polly' alot. I liked the part where they kill the bed pillows. Anyway, Jennifer Aniston had a ferret. I thought I read that ferrets sleep 23 hours a day, eat once a day, and poop in a litter box.

Owning a ferret did nothing to get or keep me sober. I couldn't stop. But my ferret and I survived active addiction. She still suffers from OCD. Every Sunday Morning, we trot to our Living Sober meeting. She sits on my lap and listens to the shares. Her name is Pink. Now does that surprise you?

have my pink cake and eat it too

Soon after my ex-husband surprised me with a divorce, I began experiencing panic attacks. These attacks provided me with my soon to be favorite of all time drugs: xanax. yum. A few years later, I crawled into rehab with a couple of pills left.

In one group, clients began yelling and I had a panic attack. My counselor helped me out of my paralizing state with a sensory visualization that I could take with me into sobriety. I was to visualize my favorite cake: I chose a vanilla cake with pink vanilla icing. I took a deep breath in, smelling and tasting and touching the cake in my mind. As I would breathe out, I would blow out the candle and make a wish, smelling the smoke, wax, and vanilla.

In the beginning, I would have rather had a pill and gone into oblivion. Today, I still use this visualization, and quite often, I actually eat some cake too.